picking up the pieces.

I'm back.
I've been back since Friday night and let me tell you friends, it's been hard.
leaving Ethiopia was maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I felt like I was leaving good friends, family, and CHILDREN (my children!) behind.
{ way more on this to come. }
I wanted/want to just rip my heart out.

I have so many stories to tell you from my time in Ethiopia with Visiting Orphans & then my extra week with the Project 61 team.  Since blogger wasn't working, I got a tad behind...but they are wonderful stories, and once I can put the pieces of my heart back together - I'll give it to you.

What I didn't expect when I got home was all the changes that are going on around me.
good changes.

changes that make those nearest & dearest to me really happy

Chloe moved to Uganda, Jenna left Sunday to pick up Emme, Jenn is adjusting to life with a teenage boy (Rwandan no less!), Alli is about to have her baby, Laura found out she was having a boy, Shannon got her baby bed & there house is being transformed for baby E, Amanda- well she knows, Lauren & Michael (our beloved neighbors) are moving to Austin, and the list goes on.

changes.
I don't like changes.
I pretend I do, but when it affects me - I don't.
that sounds really selfish.  and it is.
but I have to be honest here.
I've thrown myself a pity party a few times the last few weeks.

it goes something like this,
"why is it always someone else's turn!", "why do I always play the supporting role",
"when is it my turn!!!!"
"I want to have a baby", "I want to do great things for Jesus"
"why why why"

yep.
it's embarrassing.
but i'm just being honest.

I was reading in one of my handy dandy devo's about how to "reflect" after you've come home from a mission trip this morning & it hit me.

It was talking about God finishing what He started in us, it says the one "who was, and is and is to come" is able to complete what He started.  

It goes on to say that we are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, uniquely designed and ultimately called to do tasks for the living God.  It goes on to talk about something I want to pretend it doesn't....simple obedience.  It says, "as God lives in you, he wants to use you just as you are, right where you live."

I'm beginning to not want to even live where I live.  My heart isn't here, it's in Ethiopia.  How can I be used right where I am when I don't want to be here?

This is where it gets messy.
I know, in my heart, that I have to be obedient to God.  To where he's called me.
Yes, I want to do BIG things for God.  
but it's not about me and what I want.
it's about obeying God in the simple day to day.
it says, "God asks us to do the common, ordinary things in extraordinarily good fashion."
I just have to trust and obey.

so my question is this
will you pray for me?
pray that my heart will be prepared to be obedient to God right here in Midland, Texas
that I will be 100% open to what He's called me to do
that I would pray & ask Him to reveal to me what that even is
that my heart would heal
that somehow the hole that is there every single day will not hinder His plans for me right here
that my attitude would change
and I would get ready for the battle.....
because the battle isn't just in Addis Abbaba, Ethiopia...it's right where I live.

Thank you for letting me be 100% open & honest.
I don't ever want to offend anyone.
I pray that my fabulous wonderful friends & church family in Midland understand me enough to know that my lack of wanting to be right here, right now, has NOTHING to do with them.
thank you for praying.